I went to the doctor today and told her I thought I needed to go back on antidepressants. I thought she was gonna grill me and ask me what all was going on, but instead she just asked me which one I'd like to go back on and what dosage I used last time. Kinda odd, but okay.

So I'm back on Cymbalta again, doing a week of 30mg and then phasing up to the normal 60mg. I've already got it in my system and I don't know if it's the placebo effect or if it's already functioning, but already I feel less lethargic. Maybe now I can DO something again other than the things required of me. Sweet deal. :)

The doctor says I'll be at full-functioning by 6 weeks at the latest and I have to pop back in and have a check up to make sure all's okay.

I don't want to be on these forever, but for now being able to be a normal person will be great. :) No more pretending, no more pushing it, just being able to BE. I hope the medication doesn't stop working anytime soon. They don't tell you that, but sometimes your body will build up an immunity to the medication and you wake up one day and wonder why you feel crazy. Over 6 years I went through 3 different ones. It's insane. Annnnyway.... I'm just glad I'm starting to feel better!!

Love oodles of poodles, Kate

...to truly understand being whole.

Today was... rough. Not in the sense of everything could go wrong, but more like unstable emotional day from hell.

I've been pushing myself too far and just saying to myself that it's "only temporary and when I get in the swing of things I'll be just fine." But then it comes and hits me that it's going to be YEARS before I can have JUST a job and not work/school. So from there it all started tumbling. I just wanted to read my books for class that I was already behind schedule on but I had to go up to the church to help out and somewhere between driving to get a DVD Dad left at home I just snapped. I have no life. If I'm not in school or reading for school or working on something for school I'm sleeping because of having to be at school or working so I can afford to drive and buy things for school. And I never get to see my friends because my ****ed up schedule never matches with theirs. And I miss them so much! You start to go crazy playing class/homework/work/rinse/repeat.

So I came back to the church and gave Dad his DVDs and decided that I need to go back on medication.

God, I HATE being on antidepressants. It makes me feel like a failure as a human being that I need pills to get by, that I can't function like an average, NORMAL human being. I'd love to get up and go to bed without pills being a part of my life and I thought after going off them last summer I could go down to the bare minimum amount of pillage of just vitamins, acid-reflux meds and the BPC. I would LOVE to not have to be dependent on these things daily. I would love to not have to have glasses and contacts to see. I would like to be able to just crash at someone's house and not worry about these damn things, but I do.

But if this is what I need to get by and be able to function as a human again, I guess I'll have to. I HATE depression. It's a creature I've known well over the past, god, 7 years now? It runs in my family and I pray that I never pass it on to my kids. At least I KNOW when it's creeping up on me, even if I can't do anything much about it. (Trust me, I've tried all sorts of weird things.)

It's like getting a migraine. You know when you get that dull throb in the base of your neck and you know it's coming soon? You start to feel it build behind your eyes and all you can do is take some aspirin and hope for the best? It's similar to that once you know you have it. It usually starts with your sleep. Lately I've been tired, tired to the point of napping after school, which I rarely do. I can sleep 4 hours or 14 hours (and I've tried both) but I still feel like I didn't sleep at all. Then I get the manic/panic mood swings. Mom and I can both watch them blow through. I'll start getting pissed at something stupid, then if I keep talking I tend to fret and panic over it to the point of near tears and then suddenly I'm off in a different direction and all happy and jumpy and filled with energy that will make me dance around. Then I'll cycle again. Sometimes it'll take a day or so, and sometimes minutes. And it's scary. Scary as hell to watch from the back of my mind as my brain and mouth are feeling things that I can't understand. Sometimes I'll cry for absolutely no reason. I try to never let this happen outside of the house.

It's so ****ed up though. And people who say depression is a load of crap and doesn't exist, or that we're just too down and need to cheer up are more than welcome to this burden. I hate it. I think I've conquered it and it sneaks back up on me at any major life event. Breakups, new schools, moving... Sometimes even being heavily criticised. It's a freaking neurological disorder and if they find a surgery that will get my seratonin levels to fire at a normal rate I'm signing myself up because I sometimes wonder what life is like NORMAL.

Not to say I don't have a good life, but I sometimes wonder if the things I think are what others ponder. Maybe we're all just a slice of crazy and we just don't like to share which flavor we got. :P I just wish of all the disorders to get I could have gotten a fun one like Tourette's, like my brother got. Haha. My family is the neurotic family of the year. But we have great reunions, lemme tell ya.

Anyway, I'm on a manic swing right now, so I'll take advantage of that and go to bed and tomorrow I'll make an appointment for the doctor and see if we can't get this all figured out.

Love much, Kate

I came home last night and went to bed around midnight only to see one of my guinea pigs, Evee laying in her hut with her feet sticking out, which isn't normal. I lifted up the hut and she couldn't get up and run like she's supposed to, so Mom and I had to rush her to the University Vet ER because no one else treats guinea pigs that late. The vet came back from the back room and told us that she'd had a cut somehow and it'd gotten infected and that she had toxicity in her blood and that the chances of her surviving were grave at best, so we had to put her down... She was only a year and a half old... I feel like the shittiest person ever. She had bugs on her that the vet said would have taken days to get there and was surprised she was still alive. And I didn't even notice... My poor baby was hurt for days and I didn't notice... But now she's not suffering, and her sister is fine, but I already miss her... I feel like such an awful person... I know there's nothing I can do, but still... I hope she's getting a big stack of hay in piggy heaven right now.

...do you get VIP treatment when the bus breaks down. Haha. I thought I had missed the 4 o'clock bus home, but it came late. Apparently it was in it's death throes and I wasn't aware of it, but she pulled over and by that time it was just me and some guy needing to get to the Econolodge nearby, so we had a Transit Car come pick us up and take us to where we needed to go. One of the few times I can say I rode with strangers, haha.

Today was just a weeeee bit stressful, but I suppose it really wasn't anything earth-shattering in the big scheme of things. I thought I missed the bus this morning, but it was just behind, so that was all fine and dandy. Had to figure out what I missed Tuesday when I got into my classes, but there's nothing too major other than a movie in History of Rock, but I'll check Blockbuster and see if they have it. Sociology was note heavy today. Oh my god. I bet the whole class is gonna be like that. Good thing it's interesting. My Geology lab started today and even though I forgot my book I did fine. We were given minerals and a chart explaining which was which and had to match the minerals to the description. We had two minerals that were white and salt-like, but only one was and I came very close to licking them to see which was which. Thank god we found out one was gypsum at the last moment, because I really didn't want to lick a mineral that a gajillion students had already touched.

We got out late and I had to run for the bus that I thought I'd almost miss. When it didn't show up I was beginning to wonder if I should call a friend and see if they'd rescue me because I was supposed to be helping Dad pick up the newest exchange student, Juan Carlos. He's really sweet, but his English is about as good as my Spanish, so it's been a Spanglish night at our house. Oh, and translator sites make for a good laugh. They are TERRIBLE. And gotta love my parents... We get a kid from Mexico and where do they take him to eat but a Mexican restaurant! Hahaha.

So yes, today's been something. I ended up with only 4 hours of sleep last night and probably not many tonight, or for the rest of this weekend for that matter. My goddamn manager ****ed up my schedule AGAIN. This one chick Denise called out for the whole week and so everyone's schedules got rearranged to cover for it and I ended up having to work 9 to 3, which I was cool with. Well I get a phone call today (and not even from my manager, who has already changed it, but from a shift leader who was nice enough to let me know she changed it) and Denise apparently decided she could work again so Judy moved my schedule to 8 to 4 and DIDN'T BOTHER TO TELL ME. Wtf?!? First off, WHY did she change MY schedule? Denise called out, so she should be taking the 8 to 4 and being happy they're even letting her work!! Second, why the **** did she not TELL me she CHANGED it???? Gah!!! Judy drives me up a ****ing wall!!! There are few people who make me so mad, but she's one of them...... Agh!

Okay... I've got that out of my system. And it could be worse. At least it's similar hours, and not like the last time where she changed my schedule from 9-5 to 11-7 and didn't tell me. I found that one out luckily, or I would have just left at 5 that day anyway, haha.

Well, I'm gonna go to bed in my nice clean room. :) Maybe tomorrow will be more fun? I should hope so! It's my brother's birthday party, involving laser tag and Wasabi. Mmm... Wasabi.... And speaking of birthdays, I've got to figure something out about mine... It all depends on the weather really. I could do a pool party if the heat hasn't broken by then, but if it has maybe a movie night/sleepover or something? I dunno. I just feel the need to actually celebrate it moreso than my pathetic 18th birthday last year. 

Damn, I'm being hateful. I need to get out of this funk. Rainbows and unicorns for the rest of the night! I swear, fo shizzle. Maybe there's something to that sexual frustration thing, haha. It's not fair to watch all my friends cuddle and kiss and I get stuck with the awkward moment sitting next to a guy friend with both of us feeling strange near each other because of the canoodling going on. It's really weird in Italian restaurants. :P

So goals for next week?
-Read the right pages of homework
-Finally get to hang out when I say I will, even if strange things do pop up.
-Relearn my Spanish
-Wash my nasty car
-Go a full day without having to have a massive bitch moment about something (but driving is excluded, haha)

That's a good start. We'll go with that. But the question is, how many will I get done? I've been saying I'd wash my car since July, lol.

Okay, okay, I'm going to bed for real now.

Kate

So I brought up that one of my friend's parents has a Bush countdown clock that I thought was pretty funny and my dad went on on one of his fanatical politics rants about how "democrats are all just hateful and spiteful people who have to bitch about something," and I just had to chip in, "But Dad, I'm hateful and spiteful and I'm probably voting for McCain this year." Mom piped up and said, "Oh, but you're only hateful some of the time." Hahahaha. My family is crazy.

So yeah, crazy day. Well, the first half wasn't. It was great! I got to sleep in until 1, but woke up with a bitch of a headache that took a while to leave. Finally, I got dressed and picked up my bro and friend's sister from school and dropped them off at the respective houses and then got to read textbooks for 3 hours. Not too boring, but I was getting antsy, so I ended up taking breaks for laundry as I realized this morning I had no pants.

After a ridiculous amount of reading I packed up my bag for tomorrow, got some clothes ready and began the adventure that is cleaning my nasty-ass room. It's been months since it was done last.

Ye-Eun (our South Korean exchange student) is going to be staying up here with me temporarily because we're taking in a Mexican exchange student until YFU can find him a permanent home. (In order to come to the US you HAVE to have a home willing to take you by a certain date.) Ye-Eun isn't comfortable being in the basement with him, even though they are in 2 separate rooms, so I offered to let her stay with me.

Well one look at my room and I realized it had to be cleaned. I had clothes everywhere, guinea pig food spilled on the floor, dust covered counters and fly strips hanging from the ceiling. To add to the filth was a smell of cheap incense I was given that wouldn't go away.

Now after 3 hours, a vaccuuming, steamcleaning, dusting, bleaching (for the bathroom), and a dozen mini vanilla candles spread across the room I think it's passable. Just gotta revaccuum tomorrow and wash the sheets and I think I'll be set!

Ah... I'll be sleeping well tonight! Haha.

Kate